Jerry
Let's find a rock
I mean a big [bad word] rock
Or maybe something like
cinder block is better
I'll hoist it up
And drop it on your face, my buddy

And just before the lights go out
You'll see my smile and you'll know
You've got a friend
With a rock
Who cares
I mean a big [bad word] rock

Dave
Or rope
I got some quality rope
Made for a man who's devoid of hope
Like you are, my buddy
Michael -

Malcolm
Unh, that's Malcolm.

Dave
Malcolm. Right!

And I won't leave you swinging there
Twitching like a fish while you claw the air
I'll grab your feet
And pal o' mine
I'll pull real hard
And snap your spinal cord

Jerry
The world is cold whn you're alone and
They ignore you
But don't kill yourself

Jerry & Dave
We'll do it for you
You've got a friend

Dave
You know, I asked a guy once if he'd mind putting me in a barrel
and sending me over the falls.
You know what the son of a [bad word] said? "Drop dead, [bad word] "

Jerry
People are pricks. I asked this guy to take his [bad word] and drill me with a six-inch nail right through the eye...

Dave
What'd he say?

Jerry
"I'm low on nails."

Dave
People are selfish pricks.

Jerry
Another time, now get this,
I just lay down in front of a steam roller and asked the guy just to proceed,
you know, business as usual, and just squash me like a bug.

Dave
That's a good way to go, Jer, the ol' bug squash.
We could tie a plastic laundry bag over his head.

Jerry
Naw, that's such a wimp suicide.

Malcolm
I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad...but it didn't kill me.

Jerry
Malcolm, stay out of this.

Malcolm
I've got a friend
Like Carole King
Or was it Carly Simon
Used to sing?
I always get those two confused
But anyway -

I turned around
And suddenly
I'm not alone
It ain't just me
I'm like a player on the team
I'm part of the gang...
member of the club Jerry & Dave
Player on our team
Part of the gang [bad word] to the club

Dave
Oo ... let's get a club

Jerry
I like the big [bad word] rock

Dave
Naw, one good swing and
I'll clean his clock forever

Jerry
Let gravity do the work!

Dave
It's a man's way to die, Mikey.

Jerry
Malcolm!

Malcolm
I got friends

Oo...
I've got friends

Oo...

Dave & Jerry
Friends who will
Love you like a maniac
And lead you like a lamb
To the railroad track
And tie you down

Or tickle your wrist
With a single-edge razor
Or buy you a beer with
Draino chaser
Or dump you in the
River with a rock

Malcolm
big [bad word] rock

Jerry
Here's a nice one right over here

Dave
Can I give you a hand with that? It looks heavy.

Jerry
No Dave
It's ain't heavy...he's my friend
 [bad word] on, group hug.