If your [bad word] is a Chinese restaurant, I'll have the Poo Poo Platter.
My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my [bad word] 
I said guys I'm like you I like Monster [bad word] too
Wanna see how many pushups I can do?
I just wish I was [bad word] so I could get
Chicks dig guys that are
 [bad word] guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly
But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as a [bad word] though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony
Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a supermodel would be easy
'Cause supermodel means voluptuous
But also is synonymous with superdumb
Ya see I'd be a good listener
So she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd [bad word] 
That [bad word] friend that cares [bad word] her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn't take a week before I'm in her underwear
I wish I was [bad word] so I could get
Chicks dig guys that are
 [bad word] guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly
Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
See I'm not too keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen
I just wish I was [bad word] so I could get chicks
Anyway if I were [bad word] I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip
He's got a lisp he talks like this
And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet
I wish I was [bad word] so I could get
Chicks dig guys that are
 [bad word] guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
 [bad word] guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
 [bad word] guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not [bad word] I'm too ugly
And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not [bad word] 
I'm too ugly
And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not [bad word] 
I'm too ugly
And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not [bad word] 
I'm too ugly