JOANNE
The samples won't delay
But the cable --

MARK
There's another way
Say something -- anything

JOANNE (into the mike)
Test -- one, two three --

MARK
Anything but that

JOANNE
This is weird

MARK
It's weird

JOANNE
Very weird

MARK [bad word]  weird

JOANNE
I'm so mad
That I don't know what to do
Fighting with microphones
Freezing down to my bones
And to top it all off
I'm with you

MARK
Feel like going insane?
Got a fire in your brain?
And you're thinking of drinking gasoline?

JOANNE
As a matter of fact --

MARK
Honey, I know this act
It's called the 'Tango Maureen'
The Tango Maureen
It's a dark, dizzy merry-go-round
As she keeps you dangling

JOANNE
You're wrong

MARK
Your heart she is mangling

JOANNE
It's different with me

MARK
And you toss and you turn
'Cause her cold eyes can burn
Yet you yearn and you churn and rebound

JOANNE
I think I know what you mean

BOTH
The Tango Maureen

MARK
Has she ever pouted her lips
And called you 'Pookie'

JOANNE
Never

MARK
Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?

JOANNE
This is spooky
Did you swoon when she walked through the door?

MARK
Every time -- so be cautious

JOANNE
Did she moon over other boys?

MARK
More than moon --

JOANNE
I'm getting nauseous

MARK
Where'd you learn to tango?

JOANNE
With the French Ambassador's daughter
In her dorm room at Miss Porter's and you?

MARK
With Nanetter Himmelfarb
The Rabbi's daughter at the
Scarsdale [bad word] Center

MARK
It's hard to do this backwards.

JOANNE
You should try it in heels!
She cheated

MARK
She cheated

JOANNE
Maureen cheated

MARK [bad word]  cheated

JOANNE
I'm defeated
I should give up right now

MARK
Gotta look on the bright side
With all of your might

JOANNE
I'd fall for her still anyhow

BOTH
When you're dancing her dance
You don't stand a chance
Her grip of romance
Make you fall

MARK
So you think, 'Might as well'

JOANNE
"Dance a tango to [bad word] 

BOTH
'At least I'll have tangoed at all'
The Tango Maureen
Gotta dance 'till your diva is through
You pretend to believe her
Cause in the end you can't leave her
But the end it [bad word] Still you have to play dumb
Till you're glum and you bum
And turn blue

MARK
Why do we love when she's mean?

JOANNE
And she can be so obscene

JOANNE
My Maureen (reverb: een, een, een...)

BOTH
The Tango Maureen!