fine romance my good fellow.
You take romance, I'll take jello.
You' re calmer than the seals in the Arctic Ocean,
at least they flap their fins to express emotion.

fine romance with no quarells,
with no insults and all morals,
I've never mussed the crease in your blue serge pants,
I never get the chance; this is a fine romance!

fine romance with no kisses,
a fine romance my friends this is,
to lack half the thrills that a healthy crime has,
we don't have half the thrills that the march of time has.

fine romance with no clinches,
a fine romance with no flinches,
you're just as hard to land as the Ile de France,
I haven't got a chance.
My heart isn't made of plastic, you're the reason I'm sarcastic; 'cause this is a fine fine romance!