VELMA  
And Oh Amber look at this motley crew  
Oh this town has certainly gone down hill since I was crowned miss  

AMBER  
Oh mother no more ancient history  

VELMA  
Oh my God how times have changed  
These girls must be blind [bad word] deranged  
But times seem to halt when I was miss Baltimore crabs  
Amber! That move is far too dirty  

 AMBER  
Mother wake up from that dream of yours  
This isn't 1930  

 VELMA  
You can laugh but life's a test  
Don't do this don't do that  
Remember mother knows best  
And the crowns in the vault  
From when I won Miss Baltimore crabs  

AMBER  
These steps are perfect ammunition  

VELMA  
Let me show you how your mommy dear took out [bad word]  
Girls go get them  
Boys [bad word]  
1 2 3 4 5 6 7  
Those [bad word] ups might still hold some [bad word]  
They padded their cups  
But I screwed the judges  
Those brawds thought they'd win  
If a plate they would spin in there dance  
Ah not a chance  
Boys put me down  
Oh good morning ladies  
Let's see what you got  

 ENSEMBLE  
Twist twist twist twist  
Mashed potato  
Mambo  

VELMA  
Ready begin  
On my show you'll never find  
[bad word] hip or bump and grind  

AMBER  
What's that a dance for flees and ticks   

VELMA  
Oh you should have seen my bag of tricks  
Oh I hit the stage batons ablaze  
While belting aita and preparing soufflйs  
But that triple somersault is how I clinched miss Baltimore crabs  
Proceed  

LOUANN  
Are you scared we're on live?  

TRACY  
No I'm sure I can cope  

ENSEMBLE  
Well this show isn't broadcasted... cinemascope!  

 VELMA  

I never drank one chocolate malt  
No deserts for Miss Baltimore crabs  

AMBER  
This one will never get a date in those hand me down clothes  

VELMA  
Ha! Kid she'll never get a date until daddy buys her a new nose  
I would say Oy gavault if I wasn't Miss Baltimore crabs  

AMBER  
Do you dance like you dress?  

LINK  
Amber there's no reason to be [bad word]  

VELMA  
Would you swim in an integrated pool?  

TRACY  
I sure would! I'm all for integration  
It's the new frontier  

VELMA  
Not in Baltimore it isn't  
And may I be frank  
First impressions can be tough  
And when I saw you I knew it  
If your size weren't enough  
Your last answer just blew it  
And so my dear so short and stout  
You'll never be in so we're kicking you out  
With your form and your face  
Ah it isn't your fault  
You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore crabs  
Ugh you may go  

TRACY  
Um thank you  

PENNY  
I think they secretly liked you  

LIL INEZ  
May I please audition?  

VELMA  
Ha of course not but you may bow and exalt  
Because I am Miss Baltimore crabs