The Count has an eye on his ankle
And lives in a horrible place
He wants all your money, he's never at all funny
He wants to remove your face

And you might be thinking what a romp this is
But wait till you meet his [bad word] 
When you see Count Olaf, you're suddenly full of
Disgust and despair and dismay
In the whole of the soul of Count Olaf there's no love
When you see Count Olaf count to zero

Then scream [bad word] away
Scream, scream, scream [bad word] away [bad word]  [bad word] run [bad word] run run
Or die, die die die die die die [bad word]  [bad word] run [bad word] run run
Or die, die die die die die die die die die die

Two women with powdered-white faces.
And one long nosed bald man with warts.
Things worsen and worsen, there's a hook-handed person
And others with nastier parts.

This evil and unpleasent [bad word] s Count Olaf's acting troupe

The goal of Count Olaf is getting control of
The fortunes of urchins and orphans, hooray!
I mean horrors! Count Olaf is no laughing matter.
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero...

Then scream, [bad word] away.
Scream, scream, scream, [bad word] away. [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word] 
Or die, die die die die die die [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word] 
Or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die.