She always signs her letters "Worried Brown Eyes"
The queen of every problem page at seventeen
Never a week goes by but "Worried Brown Eyes"
Is hanging out her heartachings in the ladies' weekly magazine

She has got a boyfriend, name of [bad word] Who would like to go too far
You know what [bad word] are
And she is asking, is he honourable
Or is he just a prancing Don Juan
But worst of all, she fears
Could she love a man who picks his ears?

She always signs her letters "Worried Brown Eyes"
She says she's got a little mole in a place where nobody's ever seen
And she asks is it unsightly pretty "Brown Eyes"
Seeking advice on mole-control in the ladies' weekly magazine

Then of course, there's [bad word]  desperate [bad word] Who is growing very bold
His hands are so cold
Well now's your chance oh little "Brown Eyes"
To be passionate and rash and indiscreet
Body and soul, go on, give the lad a treat
Show him your mole

She always signs her letters "Worried Brown Eyes"
Revealing every secret of her shy hygiene
She'd like a bigger bosom, "Worried Brown Eyes"
Thrashing out her tummy bulge in the ladies' weekly magazine
 [bad word] s been molesting her and pestering her again
He tries his luck [bad word] amok
Every letter's full of tricky [bad word] But this week I feel there's something new
He must have made his move
Something must have happened
Her handwriting's improved

Oh spare some kind of prayer for "Worried Brown Eyes"
Queen of every problem page at seventeen
There's never a week goes by but "Worried Brown Eyes"
Is hanging out her desperations in the ladies' weekly magazine

Would she do it, could she do it, should she?
Opening up her heartachings so ill-advisedly
"Brown Eyes" that nobody's ever seen
With her [bad word] dido in the ladies' weekly magazine.