As I went down on a Monday night as [bad word] as [bad word] could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
And I called my wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?

Ah, you're [bad word]  
you're [bad word] you silly old fool, 
still you cannot see
That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me
Well, there’s many a days I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before

As I went home on Tuesday night as [bad word] as [bad word] could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be?

Ah, you're [bad word]  
you're [bad word] you silly old fool, 
still you cannot see
That's a woollen blanket that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But buttons in a blanket sure I never saw before

As I went home on Wednesday night as [bad word] as [bad word] could be
I saw a pipe upon the chair where my old pipe should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be

Ah, you're [bad word]  
you're [bad word] you silly old fool, 
still you cannot see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled and a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Thursday night as [bad word] as [bad word] could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be

Ah, you're [bad word]  
you're [bad word] you silly old fool, 
still you cannot see
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before

As I went home on Friday night as [bad word] as [bad word] could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
And I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be

Ah, you're [bad word]  
you're [bad word] you silly old fool, 
still you cannot see
That's a baby boy that my mother sent to me
Well, there’s many a days I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But whiskers on a babyboy sure I never saw before

As I went home on Saturday night as [bad word] as [bad word] could be
I saw two hands upon her [bad word] where my old hands should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them hands upon your [bad word] where my old hands should be

Ah, you're [bad word]  
you're [bad word] you silly old fool, 
still you cannot see
That's a lovely night gown that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But fingers in a night gown sure I never saw before

As I went home on a Sunday night as [bad word] as [bad word] could be
I saw a thing inside her thing where my old thing should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that thing inside your thing where my old thing should be

Ah, you're [bad word]  
you're [bad word] you silly old fool, 
still you cannot see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a days I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But hair on a tin whistle sure I never saw before