Mustache? No.
Sideburns? No.
Goatee? Maybe.
Beard? BEARD!

Do you feel alone?
Do you feel neglected?
Not doin' too well with the ladies?
Well I got the solution for you!

Low self esteem? GROW BEARD!
Afraid to follow your dreams? GROW BEARD!
Are you lonely and sad? GROW BEARD!
Wanna look good in plad? GROW BEARD!

Are you workin' out? GROW BEARD!
Did your car break down? GROW BEARD!
Ice caps melting? GROW BEARD!
Are you stuck in the middle of nowhere and you need to make an important phone call
but the battery's dead and you can't find an outlet to plug in your charger?
...
GROW BEARD!

Grow the beard!
Feed the beard! [bad word] the beard!
Manscape the beard!
Stroke the beard!
Love the beard!
Fear the beard!
Obey the beard!
Obey the beard!

(Obey the beard!)
Behold the beard! (Obey the beard!)
Accept the beard! (Obey the beard!)
Respect the beard! (Obey the beard!)

"Oh my god, Becky, look at his beard! It's just so... beard!"

Impress your date, WITH YOUR BEARD!
Eat a steak, WITH BEARD!
Chop down trees, WITH BEARD! [bad word] your enemies, WITH BEARD!

Catch a fish, WITH BEARD!
Roundhouse kick, WITH BEARD!
Troll the net, WITH BEARD!
Chia pet? Ch-ch-ch-chia, BEARD!

Drive a [bad word]  WITH BEARD!
Try your luck, WITH BEARD!
Arm wrestle, WITH BEARD!
Teenage Mutant Ninja BEARD!

Pet your doggie, WITH BEARD!
I pledge allegiance to the beard!
Can't grow a beard? Then buy a beard!
Do you have a beard? Then GROW MORE BEARD!

"You need to shave this thing!"
SHUT UP GRANDMA, GROW BEARD!

Defend the beard!
Drink to the beard!
'Cause beards are good...
AND [bad word] 

(Obey the beard!)
Behold the beard! (Obey the beard!)
Accept the beard! (Obey the beard!)
Respect the beard! (Obey the beard!)

I was so empty and lost inside
'til I grew you ('til I grew you)
I put my faith in my facial hair
to get me through

Well I can defy the odds again and again
with you on my chin (you on my chin)
With every moment you grow closer and closer
to my heart

"Sigh... I love you beard."
"If you love it so much, why don't you just marry it?"
"Huh..."

"Do you take this beard to be your lawfully wedded beard, for bearder or for worse, in [bad word] and in beard, 'til shave do you part?"
"I beard!"

(Beard! Beard! Beard! Beard! Beard! Beard! Beard!)

Abe Lincoln had a beard
ZZ Top, epic beards!
Dimebag Darrell, metal beard!
Chuck Norris, kick [bad word] beard!

Number one, make it beard!
Chewbacca, is a beard!
Santa Claus, Jesus Christ
God... HAS BEARD!

Obey the beard!
Obey the beard!
Obey the beard!
OBEY... THE... BEARD!