One, two 

If you ever hear a noise in the night your body starts to sweat 
It shakes and shivers in fright 
You go and sleep with your mother, she hates your guts 
She knows that you love her so she holds you tight 
All through the night, until the broad daylight 
And when she [bad word] home you have to sleep alone 
Then you wet your bed, and I think that's sad 
For a girl of nineteen it's more than sad, it's obscene 

One, two 

And your girlfriend sweet little seventeen 
She's got her layered hair, and her flared jeans 
You know what that means? She's just a little queen 
She shares your London flat, she thinks that London's where it's at, although it stinks 
And when it rains you wear your hat, and your plum coloured PVC wet look maxi-mac 
You tie your ginger hair back in a bun 
You're the ugliest creature under the sun 

one, two, go 

And you think it's about time that you died, and I agree, so you decide on suicide 
You tried but you never quite carried it off 
You only wanted to die in order to show off 
And if you think you're gonna bleed all over me, you're even wronger than you'd normally be 
And the only things you want to see are kitsch 
The only thing you want to be is rich 
Your little pink up-pointed nose begins to twitch 
I know, you know, you're just a little [bad word]