Jesus was a Jewish philosopher 
Had a lot of nice ideas 
About our existential fears 
Much admired by his peers 
Short and Jewish and quite political 
Often hesitant and very analytical 

Praise be to Jesus 
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus 
Woody Allen Jesus! 

Jesus was a great entertainer 
Doing cool tricks all of the time 
Turning water into wine 
Making stormy weather fine 
Even now his stunts confound us 
Kinda did what Darren Brown does 

Praise be to Jesus 
Praise be to magic Woody Allen Jesus 
Magic Woody Allen Jesus! 

Jesus died but then came back to life 
So the Holy Bible said 
Kinda like in Dawn of the Dead 
Like a movie by Simon Pegg 
Try that these days, you'd be in trouble 
Geeks would try to smack you with a shovel 

Praise be to Jesus 
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus 
Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus! 

Jesus ascended into Heaven 
He was an incredible guy 
You don't often find fellas that fly 
Disappear right into the sky 
And only once did he use this ability 
With great [bad word] great responsibility 

Praise be to Jesus 
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superhero Jesus 
Jesus! 

Jesus' mother gave birth to him 
Without having  with a dude 
No, she would never be [bad word] 
Never even be nude with a dude 
Breeding without the opposite gender is  [bad word] known as parthenogenesis 
Other animals that don't need males 
Include a lot of lizards and various snails 

Praise be to Jesus 
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superhero Komodo Dragon Jesus 
Jesus! 

Jesus [bad word] with the deceased 
Like Psychic Sally- 
Jesus lives forever, which is pretty odd 
But not as odd as his fetish for drinking blood 
Jesus is in more than one place at a time 
Like an electron or Schrödinger's feline 
Jesus pulled off that water walking miracle 
He was as handy as an amphibious vehicle 
Jesus had long hair, bare feet, and a beard 
Look, I'm not saying it's me 
I'm not saying that I am Jesus 
I'm not saying that I am Jesus 
I am Jesus! 

Praise be to Jesus 
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus 
Woody Allen Jesus! 
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superhero Komodo Dragon 
Telepathic Vampire Quantum Hovercraft *Me* Jesus!