There! Right there!
ELLE:
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.
Oh Please he's [bad word]  totally [bad word] 
CALLAHAN:
I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.
This guy's not [bad word]  I say not [bad word] 
ALL:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically radically fey?
EMMETT:
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.
ELLE:
Look at his silk translucent socks.
CALLAHAN:
There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing.
ELLE:
What are we seeing?
CALLAHAN:
Is he [bad word] 
ELLE:
Of course he's [bad word] 
CALLAHAN:
Or European?
ALL:
Ohhhhhh. [bad word] or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he [bad word] or European?
WARNER:
Well, hey don't look at me.
VIVIAN:
You see they bring their boys up different
In those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports.
ALL:
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts. [bad word] or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.
ELLE:
Oh please.
ALL: [bad word] or European?
So many shades of gray.
WARNER:
Depending on the time of day,
the French go either way.
ALL:
Is he [bad word] or European?
or
ENID:
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro hetero jerk.
That guy's not [bad word]  I say no way.
ALL:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume
ELLE:
Is automatically-radically
CALLAHAN:
Ironically chronically
VIVIAN:
Certainly pertin'tly
WARNER:
Genetically medically
ALL: [bad word] 
Officially [bad word] 
Officially [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word]  [bad word] IT! [bad word] or European?
CALLAHAN
So stylish and relaxed.
ALL:
Is he [bad word] or European?
CALLAHAN
I think his chest is waxed.
VIVIAN:
But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse.
ALL:
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse. [bad word] or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.
BROOKE:
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed.
ALL:
Huh. [bad word] or European?
So many shades of gray.
JUDGE:
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at eight on Saturday.
ALL:
Is he [bad word] or European? [bad word] or european? [bad word] or Euro-
EMMETT:
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.
CALLAHAN:
The floor is yours.
EMMETT:
So Mr. Argitacos...
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?
MIKOS:
2 years.
EMMETT:
And your first name again is...?
MIKOS:
Mikos.
EMMETT:
And your boyfriend's name is...?
MIKOS:
Carlos.
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend.
I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.
CARLOS:
You [bad word] 
You lying [bad word] 
That's it.
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples.
I have a big announcement.
This man is [bad word]  and European!
And neither is disgrace.
You've got to stop your being [bad word] closet case.
It's me not her he's seein’
No matter what he say.
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so [bad word] 
You big parfait!
You flaming boy band cabaret.
MIKOS:
I'm straight!
CARLOS:
You were not yesterday.
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's [bad word] 
ALL:
And European!
CARLOS:
He's [bad word] 
ALL:
And European!
CARLOS:
He's [bad word] 
ALL:
And European and [bad word] 
MIKOS:
Fine okay I'm [bad word] 
ALL:
Hooray!