CABIN PRESSURE 1x02 BOSTON 

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CAROLYN: Your seatbelt fastens like this. And unfastens like this. An invaluable lesson there for any of you who have never been in a car. In the very unlikely event of an emergency landing, your inflatable safety jacket is under your seat, and that is precisely where I [bad word] it stay, given that the largest body of water between here and Luton is a open-air swimming pool in Daventry. Finally, please keep your mobile phones switched off for the duration of the flight. Obviously, they have no effect whatsoever on our navigational equipment or we wouldn’t let you have them, but they drive me up the wall. Thank you, and enjoy your flight.

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[Opening Credits]

“This week: Boston!”

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MARTIN: [bad word] approach. This is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, climbing to six thousand feet, left turn, direct Luton.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Okey dokey, have fun.

MARTIN: Carl.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Roger, Golf Tango India.

MARTIN: Thank you.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: You’re [bad word]  Don’t fly into anything I wouldn’t fly into.

DOUGLAS: Post take-off [bad word] 

MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. Could you balance the fuel please?

[Silence]

MARTIN: Douglas, the fuel.

DOUGLAS: Sorry, Captain, can’t help you.

MARTIN: [sighs] Simon says, ‘could you balance the fuel?’

DOUGLAS: By all means. You know, you can give up anytime you like. It’s been six trips.

MARTIN: No, I can get you. Besides, I want another go. I know I can do better than last time.

DOUGLAS: What, even better than, “Shall we play Simon Says, Martin? Okay, I’ll go first, Douglas. Tell me when you’re ready, Martin. I’m ready, Douglas – ugh.” I don’t know, Martin, you’ve set the bar punishingly high.

[Door opens]

CAROLYN: Ah, gentlemen.

MARTIN: Oh, dear.

CAROLYN: What?

MARTIN: It’s always trouble when we’re gentlemen. I prefer it when we’re imbeciles.

DOUGLAS: Or dolts.

MARTIN: ‘Dolts’ is good, yes.

CAROLYN: No, this is good news. I have another job for you.

MARTIN: We’ve already got another job this week.

CAROLYN: Indeed you have. So stand by for another ‘nother job. The fine people at Algonquin Charter Air have excellently grounded a Gulfstream at Luton, which leaves them with a whole parcel of cross Americans who aren’t in America, but would like to be. And guess who’s making their [bad word] [bad word]  Our very own selves.

MARTIN: We can’t do it.

CAROLYN: We can do it, we will do it, and we are doing it. Does that answer your question?

MARTIN: It wasn’t a question, Carolyn. It was a statement. The Istanbul trip is Thursday night.

CAROLYN: I know. We get back Thursday morning.

MARTIN: But we have to have twelve hours’ rest between trips.

CAROLYN: I know. Because you are lazy, lazy pilots. So, we get to Boston Wednesday morning, twelve hours break. Fly home Wednesday evening, arrive Thursday morning, twelve hours break. Off to Istanbul. Perfect.

MARTIN: But – I’ve got my easyJet interview on Wednesday afternoon.

DOUGLAS: Ah well, easyJet, easy go.

CAROLYN: You can still do that. I don’t care what you do in your twelve hours. You can sleep or try to sneak away from [bad word] like a sniveling rat. It’s all the same to me.

MARTIN: Douglas, help me out here.

DOUGLAS: Aw, nice try.

MARTIN: [bad word] 

CAROLYN: Please tell me you’re not still playing Simon Says.

DOUGLAS: I’m afraid I can’t do that – for two reasons.

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[Passengers murmuring]

ARTHUR: Good evening, sir. [bad word] aboard today. Good evening, madam. [bad word] also to you today onboard. Good evening, sir. [bad word] to being onboard to you today. Oh, er, sir? Excuse me?

PASSENGER: Yeah? What?

ARTHUR: May I inform yourself that MJN [bad word] a [bad word] non-smoking service, and as such result of this, all cigarettes, cigars, and cigarillos must be e