I'm an ordinary man
Who desires nothing more
Than just an ordinary chance
To live exactly as he likes
And do precisely what he wants.
An average man am I, 
Of no eccentric whim,
Who likes to live his life, free of strife,
Doing whatever he thinks is best for him.
Oh, Just an ordinary man.

But! Let a woman in your life,
And your serenity is through.
She'll redecorate your home
from the cellar to the dome,
Then go to the enthralling fun
Of overhauling you.

Let a woman in your life,
And you're up against a wall.
Make a plan and you will find
She has something else in mind,
And so rather than do either 
You do something else that neither likes at all.

You want to talk of Keats or Milton;
She only wants to talk of love.
You go to see a play or ballet
And spend it searching for her glove.

Let a woman in your life,
And you invite eternal strife.
Let them buy their wedding bands
For those anxious little hands.
I'd be equally as willing
For a dentist to be drilling
Than to ever let a woman in my life!

I'm a very gentle man,
Even-tempered and good-natured
Whom you never [bad word] 
Who has the milk of human kindness
By the quart in every vein.

patient man am I,
Down to my fingertips;
The sort who never could, ever would, 
Let an insulting remark escape his lips.
very gentle man.

But! Let a woman in your life,
And patience hasn't got a chance.
She will beg you for advice.
Your reply will be concise, 
And she'll listen very nicely,
Then go out and do precisely what she wants!

You were a man of grace and polish
Who never spoke above a hush.
Now all at once you're using language
That would make a sailor blush.

Let a woman in your life, 
And you're plunging in a knife!
Let the others of my 
Tie the knot around their necks.
I'd prefer a new edition 
Of the Spanish Inquisition 
Than to ever let a woman in my life.

I'm a quiet living man,
Who prefers to spend the evenings
In the silence of his room;
Who likes an atmosphere as restful
As an undiscovered tomb.

pensive man am I, 
Of philosophic joys;
Who likes to meditate, contemplate,
Free from humanity's mad inhuman noise.
quiet living man.

But! Let a woman in your life,
And your sabbatical is through.
In a line that never [bad word] an army of her [bad word] to jabber and to chatter,
And to tell her what the matter is with you!

She'll have a booming, boisterous family,
Who will descend on you en masse.
She'll have a large Wagnerian mother
With a voice that shatters glass.

Let a woman in your life!
Let a woman in your life!

I shall never let a woman in my life.