I read the news today oh, boy 
About a lucky man who made the grade 
And though the news was rather sad 
Well, I just had to laugh 
I saw the photograph 
He blew his mind out in a car 
He didn't notice that the lights had changed 
crowd of people stood and stared 
They'd seen his face before 
Nobody was really sure 
if he was from the House of Lords 

I saw a film today oh, boy 
The English army had just won the war 
crowd of people turned away 
But I just had to look 
Having read the book 
I love to turn you on. 

Woke up, got out of bed 
dragged [bad word] across my head 
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup 
and looking up, I noticed I was late 
Found my coat and grabbed my hat 
Made the bus in seconds flat 
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke 
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream 
Ah 

I read the news today oh, boy 
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire 
And though the holes were rather small 
They had to count them all 
Now they know how many holes 
it takes to fill the Albert Hall 
I'd love to turn you on