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SOLO: 
Gus is the cat at the theatre door 
His name, as I ought to have told you before 
Is really Asparagus, and that's a fuss to pronounce 
That we usually call him just Gus 

His coat's very shabby, he's thin as a rake 
And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake 
Yet he was in his youth quite the smartest of cats 
But no longer a terror to mice or to rats 

For he isn't the cat that he was in his prime 
Though his name was quite famous, he says, in his time 
And whenever he joins his friends at their club 
(Which takes place at the back of the neighboring pub) 

He loves to regale them, if someone else pays 
With anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days 
For he once was a star of the highest degree 
He has acted with Irving, he's acted with Tree 

And he likes to relate his success on the halls 
Where the gallery once gave him seven cat calls 
But his greatest creation as he loves to tell 
Was Firefrorefiddle, the fiend of the fell 

GUS: 
I have played in my time every possible part 
And I used to know seventy speeches by heart 
I'd extemporize backchat, I knew how to gag 
And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag 

I knew how to act with my back and my tail 
With an hour of rehearsal, I never could fail 
I'd a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts 
Whether I took the lead, or in character parts 

I have sat by the bedside of poor little Nell 
When the curfew [bad word] then I swung on the bell 
In the pantomime season, I never fell flat 
And I once understudied [bad word] Whittington's cat 

But my grandest creation, as history will tell 
was Firefrorefiddle, the fiend of the fell 

SOLO: 
Then, if someone will give him a toothful of gin 
He will tell how he once played a part in East Lynne 
At a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat 
When some actor suggested the need for a cat 

GUS: 
And I say now these kittens, they do not get trained 
As we did in the days when Victoria reigned 
They never get drilled in a regular troupe 
And they think they are smart just to jump through a hoop 

SOLO: 
And he says as he scratches himself with his claws 

GUS: 
Well the theatre is certainly not what is was 
These modern productions are all very well 
But there's nothing to equal from what I hear tell 

That moment of mystery when I made history 
As Firefrorefiddle, the fiend of the fell