My lady gives birth today 
 [bad word] to her room right away 
 She smiles with glee, and hands her to me 
 I look at my newborn and say 

 [bad word] that's an ugly baby 
 [bad word] that's an ugly [bad word] baby 
 I'm feeling quite concerned 
 My [bad word] must have turned 
 'Cause [bad word] that's an ugly baby 

 I can't believe this came from me 
 I think her mom did too much LSD 
 She's skinny like a twig 
 At least her nuts are big 
 But the placenta is cuter than she 

 [bad word] that's an ugly baby 
 God [bad word] that's an ugly [bad word] baby 
 I can't take her home today 
 She'll scare the dog away 
 'cause [bad word] that's an ugly baby 

 And when she smiles I find 
 Shane [bad word] to mind 
 It makes me want to cry 
 When I look into her good eye 
 I always wanted kids 
 Is it wrong to hope for SIDS? 
 Then the doctor calls me in 
 Mr. Lynch she has a twin 

 [bad word] that's a good-lookin' baby 
 One for two on the good lookin' babies 
 I almost start to weep 
 Now this one we can keep 
 Cause that was an ugly [bad word] .. 

 [bad word] that's an ugly baby (x4) 
 She's got one good tooth and one ear and one eye 
 And thank god just one nose, but it's on her left thigh 
 Now doctor I am asking you guy to guy 
 Would a really really really late term abortion still fly?
 Oh no, not me!
 I don't want no ugly baby! 
 I said [bad word] that's an ugly [bad word] baby
 [bad word] that's an ugly [bad word] baby...