[Judge Dread]: "Coo, what a nice day. I think I'll have a lay down in the sand, terrific! Might as well get me rock out. Don't leave it in the sun to long though, it'll get all sticky. Here, is that a band I hear playing? Oh, the're playing my tune!"

When I go down the seaside
I'm feeling [bad word] The girls in their bikinis
Are showing all their [bad word] And when they see my stick of rock
They all shout out with glee
If all you give it all away
Please save a lick for me

Oh ho ho ho oh what a big one
I've never seen one as big as that before
Oh ho ho ho oh what a big one
It must be fourteen inches long or more!

I took a stroll along the beach
My rock was in my hand
I saw a girl buried
Up to her neck in sand
She said some boys did this to me *
So please help get me out
Before I could assist her
My rock shot in her mouth

And she cried-
Oh ho ho ho oh what a big one
I've never seen one as big as that before
Oh ho ho ho oh what a big one
It must be fourteen inches long or more!

I'm always in the discos
As soon as the sun goes down
I chat up all the nice galls
With bodies nice and brown
I take them back to me chalet
And they always get a shock
When I turn the lights on
And they see the size of me rock

They all cry-
Oh ho ho ho oh what a big one
I've never seen one as big as that before
Oh ho ho ho oh what a big one
It must be fourteen inches long or more!

When me holidays are over
Me rock goes home with me
Athough it's not as big as it was
It's big enough for me
If you want to know who my girlfriend is
Take a look around the place
She's the one in the corner
With a smile upon her face

And she loves that it's a big one
She's never seen one as big as that before
And she loves that it's a big one
It must be fourteen inches long or more!

[Judge Dread]: "Well darling, I bet you've never seen one as big as this have you?"
[Girlfriend]: "Oh yes I have. The milkman's got one, and he showed it to me while you were on holiday"
[Judge Dread]: "Coo, that must be what they mean by 'are you getting enough'. I'll tell you what, you're not getting any more of mine!"
[Girlfriend]: [bad word] on"

Oh ho ho ho oh what a big one
I've never seen one as big as that before
Oh ho ho ho oh what a big one
It must be fourteen inches long or more!