There’s a nasty little pigeon who is pecking at my garden
He is Derrick!
He is evil!
You will see him in the city when you’re eating a panini
He is Derrick the evil pigeon!

He lives upon the pickings of the labour of the people
He is Derrick!
He is evil!
He is circling above you and preparing his deposit
He is Derrick the evil pigoen!

But Derrick had a dream
He would fly away from this place
To raise a pigeon army
And destroy the human race
The pigeons would adore him
They would raise him up on high
And any living creature who was standing in his way
He would make into a pie

Derek went to rallies in the cities and the villages
By whipping up the pigeons with inflamatory words
He would play on their emotion with anthropophobic hatred
And he quickly was appointed as the leader of the birds

He told the other pigeons they would be more influential
If they’d put aside their differences and learn to get along
So Derrick led the pigeons in a cult of personality
And early in the morning you could hear them sing a song:

All hail Derrick!
All hail Derrick!
Derrick the mighty, Derrick for me!

All hail Derrick!
All hail Derrick!
Derrick shall make the pigeons free.

He organised the pigeons as a military power [bad word] that the time [bad word] to end the age of peace
Setting pigeons on the crops to make the people die of hunger
And then bringing down the aeroplanes with kaimkaze geese.

Derrick set his pigeons on the leaders of the nations
They would fly into a parliament and organise a coup
Lobbying the ministers with unrelenting pecking
If they didn’t get the message they would cover them in poo.

And Derrick had a dream
As the humans faded away
That every single creature
Should be exactly the same shade of grey
And as he dreamed the dream
On his gutter throne he sat
His enemy called Kelly sneaked behind him and she murdered him
For Kelly was a cat

So when you see a pigeon who is pecking at your garden
He is Derrick!
He is evil!
Hold on to your panini, give him nothing but a kicking
He is Derrick the evil pigeon!
Pigeon, pigeon
Derrick the evil pigeon!