This is a story - I promise it's [bad word] 
tale of a crafty ol' robbery crew 
They could clean any safe in a minute or two 
They had hit every bank... and post office too 

They had snatched every diamond and valuable gem 
Seemed like nothing could offer a challenge to them 
Then one Christmas they hatched a most brilliant score: 
plan for a heist... not attempted before 

So they painted their guns white and learned how to ski 
They got their disguise from a Christmas tree 
Then they went to the North Pole as fast as could be 
They were going to rob... Santa's toy factory 

(My kind of crew - like taking candy from a baby!) 

They traveled through blizzards for over a week 
'Til they saw Santa's factory up on a peak 
By the candy cane fence they then started to sneak 
Seemed security there - was surprisingly weak 

'Round the factory building came elves on the way 
Bringing bags full of toys down to Santa's big sleigh 
They were busy as bees but they froze at the sound 
When our robbery crew... shouted "down on the ground!" 

Then a plan as efficient as [bad word] 
Where they melted away the elves' snowball defense 
Then they hog tied the reindeers inside of their fence 
And the helpers soon slept... thanks to gas in the vents 

(Nice touch!) 

They blew up the fuse box and turned on night vision 
Then they utilized shape charges to get inside 
They drilled through security doors with precision 
Then manhandled Santa and had him tied 

(Serves him right, big red [bad word] ) 

Santa was tougher to crack than they thought 
He just wouldn't surrender the code for the vault 
Though they stepped on his glasses so he couldn't see 
And an ice pick was used... to crack open his knee 

(Good one!) 

After water board torture and kicking his balls 
After hours of smashing his face into walls 
They finally realized just what did the trick 
When they threatened cut off... Santa's beard, so thick 

(You have got a dirty mind!) 

So he gave up the code and they all gathered 'round 
To find out just what treasures were there to be found 
As the vault door swung open they realized why 
heist against Santa had never been tried 
They looked in the vault and they all felt like rookies 
See, inside there were just... lots of milk and cookies 

(Aw, dear god - you [bad word] amateurs! Why d'you think no one's done it before? [bad word] ..)