Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman. 

Natalie Portman: Hello. 

Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like? 

Portman: Do you really want to know? 

Parnell: Yes, tell us… 

Portman: I don’t sleep [bad word] 
off that yak and durban 
doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’ 

Seth Meyers: [bad word] Natalie you a crazy chick 

Portman: Yo shut the [bad word] up and suck my [bad word] 
I bust in dudes mouth like gushers [bad word] 
roll up on NBC and smack the [bad word] outta Jeff Zucker 

Guys: What you want Natalie 
Portman: to drink and fight 
Guys: what you need Natalie 
Portman: to [bad word] all night 

Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue 
put my foot down your throat 
till you [bad word] in my shoe 
leave you screaming 
pay for my dry cleaning  [bad word] your man 
It’s my name that he’s screamin’ 

Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated? 
Portman: I never said I was a role model. 
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them? 

Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my [bad word] 
It’s Portman mother [bad word] 
drink till I’m sick 
slit your throat 
and poor nitrous down the hole 
watch you laugh and cry 
while I laugh you die 
and all the dudes 
you know I’m talkin to you 
Guys: we love you Natalie 
Portman: I wanna [bad word] you too 
P is for Portman 
P is for [bad word]  
i’ll kill your [bad word] dog for fun so don’t push me 

Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate. 
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me. 
Parnell: Really? Such as? 

When I was in Harvard 
I smoked weed every day 
I cheated every test 
and snorted all the yay 
I gotta a def posse 
and you gotta buncha dudes 
I sit right down on your face and take a [bad word] 

Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad [bad word] biiiiiiiitch  [bad word] yeah!) 
and I always pay for your dry cleanin 
when my [bad word] gets in your shoe (What!?) 
as for the [bad word] use 
well I can vouch for that 
my [bad word] is scared of you 
girl 

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it– 

(Portman throws chair at Parnell) 
Portman: No more questions