Dreamed I was an Eskimo, frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots 'n around my toe, frost had bit the ground below
Was a hundred degrees below zero
[And my momma cried]x2
[Nanook-a, no no]x2
Don't be a naughty Eskimo
Save your money: don't go to the show 
[Well I turned around an' I said: Ho Ho]x3
An' the Northern [bad word] t' glow
An' she said with a tear in her eye:
[WATCH OUT WHERE THE HUSKIES GO
AN' DON'T YOU EAT THAT YELLOW SNOW]x2
Well right about that time, people, a fur trapper who was strictly [bad word] had the unmedicated audacity to jump up from behind my igyaloo and he started in to whippin' on my fav'rite baby seal with a lead-filled snow shoe. [I said: with a lead. Filled. lead-filled snow shoe. He said Peak-a-boo]x2
He went right up side the head of my favorite baby seal he went WHAP with a lead-filled snow shoe an' he hit him on the nose 'n he hit him on the fin 'n he. That got me just about as evil ss an Eskimo boy can be. So I bent down 'n I reached down 'n I scooped down an' I gathered up a generous mitten full of the deadly YELLOW SNOW. The deadly Yellow Snow from right there where the huskies go. Whereupon I proceeded to take that mitten full of the deadly Yellow Snow Crystals [bad word] it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous circular motion hitherto unknown to the people on this area, but destined to take the place of THE MUD SHARK in your mythology. Here it goes now THE CIRCULAR [bad word] it!
And then, in a fit of anger, I, I pounced and I pounced again. GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY. I jumped up 'n down on the chest of the.. I injured the fur trapper. Well, he was very upset, as you can understand. And rightly so because the deadly Yellow Snow Crystals had deprived him of his sight. And he stood up, and he looked around, and he said: I CAN'T SEE
He took a dog-doo sno-cone an' stuffed it in my right eye. He took a dog-doo sno-cone an' stuffed it in my other eye an' the huskie wee-wee, I mean the doggie wee-wee has blinded me an' I can't see temporarily. Well the fur trapper stood there with his arms outstretched across the frozen white wasteland trying to figure out what he's gonna do about his deflicted eyes. And it was at that precise moment that he remembered an ancient Eskimo legend wherein it is written. On whatever it is that they write it on up there that if anything bad ever happens to your eyes as a result of some sort of conflict with anyone named Nanook. The only way you can get it fixed up is to go [bad word]  across the tundra, mile after mile, [bad word]  across the tundra right down to the parish of Saint Alfonzo

Yes indeed, here we are
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Where I stole the mar-juh-reen
An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
I saw a handsome parish lady
Make her entrance like a queen
Why she was totally chenille
And her old man was a Marine
As she abused a sausage pattie
And said why don't you treat me mean?
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Hah! Good God! Get off the bus
Where I stole the mar-juh-reen

Get on your feet an' do the funky Alfonzo
Father Vivian O'Blivion resplendent in his frock
Was whipping up the batter for the pancakes of his flock
He was looking rather bleary, he forgot to watch the clock
'Cause [the night before behind the door a leprechaun had stroked]x3

Which set him off in such a frenzy he sang `LOCK AROUND THE CROCK
[An' he topped it off with a]x3
As he stumbled on his
He was delighted as it stiffened and ripped right through his sock
Oh Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me
He shouted down the block

Dominus vobiscum et [bad word] spiritu tuo
Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes just for Saintly Alfonzo
[They're so light 'n fluffy-white we'll raise a fortune by tonite]x2
[They're so light 'n fluffy-brown they'r