I tried looking into her eyes to make sense of my own life but found senseless realization I was reckless and she was just a vacation, a vacation from the monotony that I lived in. and avoiding risk felt nice until I realized I was avoiding purpose. and it's all new but I love her at least I think because I don't wanna live so empty. and I have this tendency [bad word] things better than I break and she was somehow caught in the in-between. and forever means forever and that's what it'll always mean and life is reality except for when it's a dream. and those are the moments that I can't seem to think but I make sense of my mess by making sense of her and me. and this fear keeps me alive this fear of knowing that she could leave me. and I could try but this fear fuels the flames and that's why I feel like I'm going to die cuz she kept a piece if me close by and I liked it the best I can. and now that I know who I used to be it's hard to be happy with who I am. and that's where she came in. a half faked smile and a love to pretend but prior to her love was nothing more to me than a vacation a vacant motivation to avoid the means it takes to reach any real end. a sense of salvation but also an element of bitter hope to cope with the rope that was tied around my neck. and the savior I hoped for was chased away back then when I found vices to take the place of all the things that I wanted to be. and I lost sight of me but I was told I could be anybody. and I thought I could find purpose in loving someone who looks like me. and I began dreaming or sinking, most nights they meant the same thing. and when that salvation finally found me it was traded away for 30 pieces of silver, seems like that's not too much but I sold my savior for a whole lot less; my two best friends, acceptance, and a mirage of fake happiness. and now the words I used to cling to, was my refuge, now torture me in my head. forgive them father they know not what they do, it's funny cuz it seems like I did every time I lied to you. and that's my only [bad word]  that I can't sleep at night and I can't get these things right and salvation escaped when she came into view. but now I'm hoping my whole life isn't as mistaken as you. but there's no way of knowing, when all I'm doing is coping with my own pride. and my past would fight with me hoping I would find [bad word]  but it's never a good idea to start a fight with a man who has nothing to lose. and I'm empty, my heart is caving in. and for whatever reason, I finally let someone in. and I don't know what love is, but I'm growing.