My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always [bad word] as newts.
My sons of whores
Spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
Then fly through my doors
And their money's as good as yours 

 [bad word]  Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great [bad word]  philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's [bad word] 
Everybody's chaperone

But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

[Enter Monsieur, lay down your load
Unlace your boots, rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied]

Food [bad word]  Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than [bad word] 
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When [bad word] to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks I knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

[Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great [bad word]  philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's [bad word] 
Gives 'em everything he's got]

[Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!]

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house? Isn't worth me spit!
 [bad word]  philosopher' and lifelong [bad word] #33;
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a [bad word] trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this [bad word] in the house!

Master of the house!

Master and a half!
 [bad word]  philosopher

Ah, don't make me laugh!

Servant to the poor, butler to the great

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Everybody raise a glass

Raise it up the master's [bad word] 

Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!