This is a song for Phil Daoust
Occasional Guardian newspaper journal-oust
I never ever ever mentioned your name
Or the review that you wrote, when I was new to this game

But now the time [bad word] I think I've dealt with my feelings at last
I really wanna forgive ya, Phil
Yeah, I wanna put the past in the past-a

Oh, and as this is London town
I thought I outta take the opportunity
'Cause there's a pretty good chance
Somebody out there will know you
Maybe they will pass on a message for me

Just wanna say, Phil Daoust
Occasional Guardian newspaper journal-oust
That it's been three years since you wrote it
And time is very healing
But I still wanna cut big chunks of flesh out of your stupid face
And make your children watch while I force you to eat them
Yeah, I wanna make your children watch you eat your own face-meat

Ding dang, ding dang dong
This is my Phil Daoust song
Everybody sing along
La-la-la-la-la-la-la
I hope one of your family members dies
Phil, ding dang dong
I've written you this special song
To help you get the attention
You obviously, desperately lack

And I know that you're a smart man
And with such a fine mind, I guess it has to be hard
To resist throwing narcissistic, intellectual [bad word] In the supermarket aisles of your self-regard

Just wanna say, Phil Daoust
I know it must be really hard to be a journal-oust
While a deadline's always looming, and the pressure to be entertaining
So maybe you should quit and get a job that you'd be better at
Like killing yourself, you [bad word] [bad word] 
Ding dang, ding dang dong
This is my Phil Daoust song
Everybody sing along
Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la
I hope something you love catches on fire
Phil, ding dang dong
I've written you this special song
To show how far [bad word] along
In my efforts to be more mature in the face of negative feedback

You [bad word] poo-face